one hundred and eleven

here you are, darling
darling on a string
honey, watch the world go by

not so fast, honey
honey with a bedtime
dearie, watch the time speed by

if i considered myself an author
if kindness existed in my mind
i would let it be, dearie
let it be, let it be

but time entangles sanity
and beauty, yours is gone
so watch the world spin on, beauty,
watch the world spin on

one hundred and nine

gulf shores.
i don't know how i'll go to the beach again,
at least on that side of the country,
because i'll remember passing through that tunnel
under the ocean
listening to sun hands and screaming the lyrics in my head
because my mom was in the other car dying
going, going,
gone
and we took family pictures after me and stephanie watched cops
we all wore superhero shirts like everything was okay
and screw my feelings, it was okay, it was perfect, it was wonderful,
and now it's all gone in a flash of light and shortness of breath,
and i'm trying to catch myself in an a day to remember song
because aubrey says to cling to that and God,
even though sometimes i feel so alone

messiah's ranch.
thank goodness i won't go back again, because i loved it too much
and i loved those people too much,
last year
when it all broke down
and rebekah told me about open hands,
i thought i was going to die
because my mom was back home passing away
and i loved nick and things weren't looking up,
i was at my worst when she sat on the side of the lake and sang about bad eyes,
i realized i needed God most of all
and i didn't care what people thought about me.
alex hugged me during mafia
when i couldn't hold it together,
i sat there crying and looking up at the stars through the tree branches
thinking about my dad and how i missed the people who really cared,
and two of them were playing mafia,
one of them noticed,
and the rest were far away

i hope that maybe these places will go down in history as the best places on earth.
i hope that maybe my kids will grow up and i can take them to gulf shores
or messiah's ranch,
teach them about open hands and bad eyes
and i'll bring out my old guitar with the songs that i wrote
tell them how good God is to me
that i knew such glory as white beaches and a mom who braved everything for my family
and i had the chance to give myself up for something better
that even when it hurt, in the end,

i remember alex and rebekah
i remember my two best friends emily and joseph
i remember watching cops with my cousin
i remember the waves crashing into the shore
constant, constant, constant
i remember when things were hopelessly beautiful

one hundred and eight

The school shakes with the sobs of 50 kids
Bowing on the altar of tonight--
And I am one of the masses
Carsick hearts and hollowed-out stomachs
Come together under a roof of imaginary stars
And in the tears of their voices I hear tales of sorrow and simultaneous love--
I am one of the masses
Shouting and crying to the tapping of my feet
And we don't even look at each other,
Freedom lights up the air with an oxygen
Not even comparable to the fire of my soul,
I cannot extinguish you even
Wrapped in the arms of agony,
A fresh start forming on my lips

one hundred and seven

The higher I climb,
The further I fall
So what use are the mountains
If I can't scale them all?

one hundred and six

I don't care about reading your texts,
That's where I trust you.
Show me your camera roll.
Who's in it?
When you scroll back on your entire year,
Who made it?
When I sift through your heartbeats,
Who are they for?
I have to say, if it isn't me, I would like to know.
What's taking you so long?

one hundred and five

I'm just scared of stealing someone else's story
And also scared of living mine

one hundred and four

Saturdays are exhausting for me.
Everyone else's weekend has become my hell,
It's just a job but "just things" get under your skin so much easier, don't you think?
Like "just friends" or when you're "just tired".
Well, I'm just a little overwhelmed in my life right now
And I need just a few quiet moments to screw my head on right,
Or maybe a whole lifetime

one hundred and three

This is a story
Of how my mom died
And how i didn't know what to do with myself
And how i couldn't cry for weeks--

Maybe i'll catch up someday

This is a story
Of how i was depressed at prom
And the boy i love told me i was beautiful
And it wasnt quite enough
To kill the ache in my heart for him
And everyone danced like there was a cure for cancer
Everyone danced like their meds were working--

Maybe i'll catch up someday

This is a story
Of how i went to a place i love
And came home still sad
This is a story
Of how i forget about God
And wish i would have realized sooner
A story of how i know where to turn
But my brain doesnt work
And i end up in my bed praying for sleep

Maybe i'll catch up on it someday

And they were all dancing like there was a cure for cancer,
Yet there wasnt
And they were all dancing like their meds were working,
Mine help with only so much
And they were all dancing like love was alive
While mine is uncertain and i'm dying and scared
They were all dancing and I had to yank on my hair
To pretend i was there,

Maybe i'll catch up with them someday

Maybe he'll love me someday

Maybe i'll cry again someday

one hundred and two

I guess the reason
I always wanted to write books
Is that I just wanted to do something meaningful,
Change the way people think,
Make something beautiful,
Or some shit along those lines.
But I can't accomplish anything
When I feel so inadequate
And my brain cant focus long enough
To throw myself into anything.
Plus
Stories aren't my forte anymore
Since i'm constantly having to deal with my own

one hundred and one

the struggle of being sick
is i can't sing my lungs out of breath
when my heart's beating itself out of blood
and i'm feeling my bangs on my forehead
a style i'm not sure i like
and between my Louisiana nose
and my blankets pulled close
i'm not sure i'm okay with who i'm becoming
amid this insanity

one hundred

i walked into an empty room
wearing a shirt that you would like
i knew
at once that you weren't there
and so i talked to this guy
who was nice
but he wasn't you

and last year on a wednesday
we put our love away
for a later time,
for a later time

but now, palms to the sky,
we'd give it all away
for another life,
for another life

the room sat in my hands
as i asked myself why
i was wearing a shirt
i knew
you'd notice, and maybe let me know
but it slipped through my fingers
like my words with this yahoo
who liked art
who wasn't you

palms to the sky
we'd give it all away
feet to the floor
our paths are separating
separating

and all that i wanted
was something called happy
and you changed the way that i was thinking
you changed the way that i was thinking

ninety nine

i want my attention span back
i wish i could read books again and let my eyes scan the page a million miles an hour,
i want to skip meals for engrossment rather than sadness,
there's a twitching in my fingertips again--
too much energy.

i want to play music without being insecure about my voice.
i want to drive with the windows rolled down and listen to songs no one else likes,
i want to be free and wild and happy,
but there's a pounding in my heart again,
a pausing of my speech again,
i'm too irritated to live in my own skin these days.

but then again the rush of bleeding madness sighs for a torrent of crop-pounding rain--
i'm deeply sad inside, i'm crying then i'm not,
the world is a painted sphere of black and white
and i just want to sleep, i just want to
lay in my bed
and not get up
till it's raining and
the weather
can match
my fingerprints.

the sun rises tomorrow and i will be ecstatic again,
the next dawn i will drown.
either way,
what does it matter?
i can't find the middle ground.

ninety eight

I'm thinking that today it's okay
That tomorrow it'll be eleven days
Because tomorrow I might possibly
See you again

And I guess I don't mind
The silence this whole time
So long as I get to see your face
Again

But if I think too much, I'll start to believe
All the lies that are thrust upon me
Until I have a dream that I can't shake from my head
And think of all the stupid things I've said
And how you didn't care

I hope I lose count of these eleven days
So you can rain on my parade someday
It's hard to hope without expecting things
But I expect you'll follow through
And then I'll see you again

ninety seven

I want to rip all my skin off,
It bothers me as much as my sister's breathing
Across the room
And my nana's talking to me incessantly
I hate the way my mouth feels
After I ate breakfast,
And I can't focus on my math when it's hard like this,
Because I want to rip all my skin off,
And I can't stop the way my head's spinning
With thoughts of madness and washing the car later
And writing music when I finish this
Folding my clothes when I finish that
So I'm laying in my bed now
Putting it all off
Because I can't stand anything but sleep
Or laying as still as I can manage
My face feels dry, and I know it's not,
And I want to wash the car again.
All of it's moving too fast
Moving too fast
Moving too fast
Moving
Too
Fast

ninety six

sometimes
i miss the lasagna you made
i miss telling you
my thoughts
i miss your laughter and your energy
lighting up the room
kate told me, i'll see you in eternity
and that gave me hope
but it hurts right now,
it hurts.

he glanced at me from across the room
and liked my shirt,
that was nice.
and aubrey made sure i was okay,
he knows.
rebekah had my back
and i am forever in izzy's debt
for all the hope he gives me
and all the words he says to me
the love in his eyes,
an older brother i never had,
but i do now.
i'm thankful for those things tonight,
12-count blessings through tears

but the room is too big
and my breaths are too small
to reconcile it all,
mom

ninety five

Tonight
Is one of those nights
When I wish you would talk to me
Just like
We used to
Just like
We once did
You din't know I'm sad
But I know you hurt bad
Because the weight of my soul
Somehow carries yours
Yet the silence pertains
To this time of day
And the look on your face
More than you know.
I want to tell you I miss you
In just a friendly way now
Because I thought I had you,
Now I only have space
I thought I had you,
I'm giving you grace
But you're taking and taking
While I'm breaking and breaking
Convincing myself
I can fight.

I know I can fight,
But you were part of that once.

You think
That you're taking the hard way this time--
You're damn wrong.
Silence is easy for you to justify in your head
And talking is hard.
Dying is hard.
Giving yourself license to be there is hard.
Putting your feelings on the back burner and being a friend is hard.
Selflessness is hard.

Maybe you will sort this out someday
While I'm struggling to find myself alone

I love you, don't I?
It's not easy sometimes.

ninety four - this is not a song prompt.

this is not a song prompt. simply a few songs that have changed the way i think. they are really important to me and got me through something, so. give them a listen if it's your cup of tea.

my favorite paramore song is All I Wanted. it's my shut up and sing kinda anthem.

my favorite worship song is A Prayer by King's Kaleidoscope. it's raw, it's desperate, and it's real worship. it taught me that our prayers don't have to be clean cut and perfect, and we can feel God even when we're hitting rock bottom. He meets us where we're at.

three songs continually make me cry. a hit the floor kinda cry. but yet they are three of the most continually beautiful songs i know. Fix You by Coldplay. Faithfully by Journey. What Sarah Said  by Death Cab for Cutie. my all-time favorite song lyric comes from what sarah said: "it stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds."

my favorite song of all time is Piano Man by Billy Joel. "they're sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it's better than drinking alone."

one of my most favorite songs not only changed the way i think, but it also reminds me of a person who changed the way i think, Nick. Last Leaf by OK Go. "and if it takes forever, forever it'll be."

Heaven Forbid by The Fray is a bitterly beautiful song that reminds me of Emily and conversations we've had on her couch when i come over randomly.

Rebekah, my dear sister. she played this song on the summer service trip, and i like it so much better when she plays it. it taught me a lesson i'll never forget and never fails to give me hope. Glory by Radical Face.

You Be The Anchor That Keeps My Feet On The Ground, I'll Be The Wings That Keep Your Heart In The Clouds by Mayday Parade. if i'm right, this is joseph's favorite mayday parade song that he told me to listen to at one point. :)

Airplanes by Local Natives. this one represents a memory. Izzy showed up in my front yard and told me to listen to this band. who knew they would change my life and i would almost get trampled at their concert. this was the second song i listened to.

for my beautiful sister Emalie i have Carry On Wayward Son by Kansas. we listen to that when we escape everything at home and go on drives together. one line: "and if i claim to be a wise man, it surely means that i don't know."

my favorite song to play is Song for Someone by U2. i heard it by accident and i still don't prefer to listen to it, but the lyrics get me every time. i feel it in my soul. that's why i play it on guitar when i get anxiety at big parties. it's a shot in the dark kinda anthem.

my favorite band of all time is Coldplay. my favorite song of theirs is Ghost Story. 

Trees by twenty one pilots reminds me of ethan grey. he's one of my favorite people.

The Hardest Part by Coldplay is definitely my second favorite song of theirs. it pulled me out of a crazy fucking hard time.

ninety three

everything hurts less like a stab wound and more like a stroke
i feel the aftershocks of a disaster i've already survived
and yet
it still hurts like the first day
somewhere buried underneath the calluses on my fingers from playing guitar and letting go of lyrics i might not sing again for weeks
there are songs i sang twice and haven't since
and
there are ones still a part of me.
for now i am letting things be
in the hopes that
my leap of faith won't have to be one that requires a porch
or a tree
or a glancing up at the empty sky hoping for stars
i pray that He won't give me a message that involves
reluctant tears
bittersweet
and something i can't put into words
for once, couldn't someone else take the first step so i won't be haunted by the street signs along the way?
step one
find a porch
step two
break me if you have to
step three
hug me if you have to
but a warning:

don't leave me to suppose you're thinking something you're not
or going somewhere you aren't

please

ninety two

THINGS THAT MADE MY HEART SMILE IN 2017.

The First Thing: A Car, A Torch, A Death.

The Second: A balloon and a leather jacket.

The Third: Waking up on the couch to kitchen sounds that I miss and talking to Mrs. Prda.

The Fourth: A CVS run.

The Fifth: An escape to La Madeline with my favorite person.

The Sixth: A promise in the form of a closed vintage shop. Bad eyes and an americano.

The Seventh: "Reserved for Baylie Vike and her sardines." My safe place.

The Eighth: The Machine and praying over coins.

The Ninth: The front music room at Joseph's house.

The Tenth: Memory boxes and old journals with Emily, with a special shoutout to the journal of death and that two page spread of glorious cuteness in Emily's journal.

The Eleventh: izzy being unreliable.

The Twelvth: Grapefruit.

The Thirteenth: A borrowing porch, "Not Today", and worship.

The Fourteeth: He makes all things new.

ninety one

God, today one of my best friends ever is coming in from California with her mom to see my mom.

Today the sun is yet again shining and the weather feels like last spring (which I don't want to look back on, I did enough of that yesterday).

I like the yellow hay that has become our front yard.

I like the small dead tree that Grandma Mary paid for.

I like this song I'm listening to from a time when I felt free.

Those You set free are free indeed, Jesus. Confirm that today. Working through yesterday has left me exhausted. Thank you for this fresh day.

I can't differentiate poem and prayer anymore.

ninety

TELL ME IT MEANS SOMETHING. SHOW ME ANOTHER REASON TO KEEP GOING. KEEP STAYING. KEEP DYING. GOD, I KNOW YOU ANSWER MY CRIES AND I SEE YOUR HAND IN EVERYTHING. I SEE YOUR FAITHFULNESS IN EVERYONE. HOW IS IT THAT I NEED MORE PROOF? I HEAR YOU SAY "NOT TODAY" AND I CAN'T HANDLE IT, OR AT LEAST THAT'S HOW IT FEELS. I SIT ON A BORROWED PORCH AT YOUR HOUSE, JESUS, AND I PRAY ALOUD BECAUSE IT HURTS, AND I PRAISE YOU BECAUSE IT'S ALL I CAN DO IN THIS BROKENESS, BUT I WANT MY HEART TO BE RIGHT. I KNOW I MUST BE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT BECAUSE IZZY TELLS ME TO NOTICE THE VICTORIES. I KNOW I MUST BE ON THE RIGHT TRACK BECAUSE CERTAIN PEOPLE HURT TO TRY TO TALK TO. I KNOW YOU ARE FAITHFUL IN MY LIFE BECAUSE I JUST GOT A TEXT FROM AN ANSWERED PRAYER.

BUT GOD, HERE I AM, BEGGING FOR ANOTHER SIGN JUST LIKE THE DISCIPLES. I AM SHOUTING, JESUS, I'M BEGGING, MY JESUS, NOT OUT OF ANGER OR DISBELIEF BUT OUT OF AGONY.

WHY IS IT ALL TAKING SO LONG? WHY AM I SLOWLY PASSING AWAY RIGHT ALONG WITH HER?

Your word says that the angels rejoice whenever someone believes in You. I can't help but wonder if they sing your praises when someone comes home as well. I want to believe that death is a beautiful thing, but I'm watching it's ugliness daily. And I'm a coward, God, I run away. I physically run away from my dying mom. I miss her so much, God, I have dreams about her. Lord, my dad has a voicemail from last year that he listens to. It's from her.

I see her everywhere, I feel her in every song I sing and in every atmosphere I breathe.

And yet my dad's favorite hymn echoes in my head, You sew it on my brain, Jesus.

Great is thy faithfulness
Oh God my father
There is no shadow of turning with thee
Thou changest not
Thy compassions they fail not
As thou hast been, thy forever wilt be.

Great is thy faithfulness,
Great is thy faithfulness
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
ALL I have needed thy hand hath provided.
Great is they faithfulness, Lord unto me.

Pardon for sin
And a peace that endureth
Thine own dear prescence to cheer and to guide,
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorroq,
Blessings all mine with ten thousand beside.

Great is thy faithfulness
Great is thy faithfulness
Morning by morning new mercies I see
ALL I have needed they hand hath provided,
Great is thy faithfulness,
Lord unto me.

eighty nine

I started this blog because I needed a change
A new sort of therapy opposed to drowning--
Noticing.
Tonight I notice something in your head.
I notice I cry because my body knows I'm scared when my mind doesn't.
I notice new people.
I notice a beautiful voice.
I notice happy in my head and depression in my stomach.
I put the hot cocoa in the car and grab a coat to protect me from what my brain is piecing together.
Those words I read are true even tonight,
But I notice it is harder to find hope.
Again, my expectations invade. Can I let anything be?
Here's my train of thought, hop on.
You won't like where it's going.
Maybe that's why you didn't talk much, maybe that's why I laughed it all off and tried to be giddy.

But Jonathan showed up. He got saved at Switch, he was in my car, our little family. He came back just now, tonight. He reminds me of things I learned that week and what went through my head. He reminds me of the song "Man of Sorrows".

We sang that tonight. "Whom the Son sets free, He is free indeed." That's true. Yet I did not feel free today.

Thug Waffle is leaving. He was at switch. In our car. He was passionate, he was real. He reminds me of lifting my hands. He reminds me of laughing without fear of the future.

Grace hugged me tonight. I don't know why. There were tears in her eyes and I don't know why. I saw love and I don't know why.

Emily took pictures.

Izzy shouted because it meant something to him. I swear I lose it every time he uses the phrase "murdered savior" and looks at the cross.

I am sad today. I told myself it would be okay, but I can't force myself to comply. OKAY DOESN'T HAVE TO MEAN PERFECT.

But that's what I was expecting, wasn't it?