ninety

TELL ME IT MEANS SOMETHING. SHOW ME ANOTHER REASON TO KEEP GOING. KEEP STAYING. KEEP DYING. GOD, I KNOW YOU ANSWER MY CRIES AND I SEE YOUR HAND IN EVERYTHING. I SEE YOUR FAITHFULNESS IN EVERYONE. HOW IS IT THAT I NEED MORE PROOF? I HEAR YOU SAY "NOT TODAY" AND I CAN'T HANDLE IT, OR AT LEAST THAT'S HOW IT FEELS. I SIT ON A BORROWED PORCH AT YOUR HOUSE, JESUS, AND I PRAY ALOUD BECAUSE IT HURTS, AND I PRAISE YOU BECAUSE IT'S ALL I CAN DO IN THIS BROKENESS, BUT I WANT MY HEART TO BE RIGHT. I KNOW I MUST BE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT BECAUSE IZZY TELLS ME TO NOTICE THE VICTORIES. I KNOW I MUST BE ON THE RIGHT TRACK BECAUSE CERTAIN PEOPLE HURT TO TRY TO TALK TO. I KNOW YOU ARE FAITHFUL IN MY LIFE BECAUSE I JUST GOT A TEXT FROM AN ANSWERED PRAYER.

BUT GOD, HERE I AM, BEGGING FOR ANOTHER SIGN JUST LIKE THE DISCIPLES. I AM SHOUTING, JESUS, I'M BEGGING, MY JESUS, NOT OUT OF ANGER OR DISBELIEF BUT OUT OF AGONY.

WHY IS IT ALL TAKING SO LONG? WHY AM I SLOWLY PASSING AWAY RIGHT ALONG WITH HER?

Your word says that the angels rejoice whenever someone believes in You. I can't help but wonder if they sing your praises when someone comes home as well. I want to believe that death is a beautiful thing, but I'm watching it's ugliness daily. And I'm a coward, God, I run away. I physically run away from my dying mom. I miss her so much, God, I have dreams about her. Lord, my dad has a voicemail from last year that he listens to. It's from her.

I see her everywhere, I feel her in every song I sing and in every atmosphere I breathe.

And yet my dad's favorite hymn echoes in my head, You sew it on my brain, Jesus.

Great is thy faithfulness
Oh God my father
There is no shadow of turning with thee
Thou changest not
Thy compassions they fail not
As thou hast been, thy forever wilt be.

Great is thy faithfulness,
Great is thy faithfulness
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
ALL I have needed thy hand hath provided.
Great is they faithfulness, Lord unto me.

Pardon for sin
And a peace that endureth
Thine own dear prescence to cheer and to guide,
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorroq,
Blessings all mine with ten thousand beside.

Great is thy faithfulness
Great is thy faithfulness
Morning by morning new mercies I see
ALL I have needed they hand hath provided,
Great is thy faithfulness,
Lord unto me.