eighty nine

I started this blog because I needed a change
A new sort of therapy opposed to drowning--
Noticing.
Tonight I notice something in your head.
I notice I cry because my body knows I'm scared when my mind doesn't.
I notice new people.
I notice a beautiful voice.
I notice happy in my head and depression in my stomach.
I put the hot cocoa in the car and grab a coat to protect me from what my brain is piecing together.
Those words I read are true even tonight,
But I notice it is harder to find hope.
Again, my expectations invade. Can I let anything be?
Here's my train of thought, hop on.
You won't like where it's going.
Maybe that's why you didn't talk much, maybe that's why I laughed it all off and tried to be giddy.

But Jonathan showed up. He got saved at Switch, he was in my car, our little family. He came back just now, tonight. He reminds me of things I learned that week and what went through my head. He reminds me of the song "Man of Sorrows".

We sang that tonight. "Whom the Son sets free, He is free indeed." That's true. Yet I did not feel free today.

Thug Waffle is leaving. He was at switch. In our car. He was passionate, he was real. He reminds me of lifting my hands. He reminds me of laughing without fear of the future.

Grace hugged me tonight. I don't know why. There were tears in her eyes and I don't know why. I saw love and I don't know why.

Emily took pictures.

Izzy shouted because it meant something to him. I swear I lose it every time he uses the phrase "murdered savior" and looks at the cross.

I am sad today. I told myself it would be okay, but I can't force myself to comply. OKAY DOESN'T HAVE TO MEAN PERFECT.

But that's what I was expecting, wasn't it?