thirty six

These are words
For when words won't come.
I am forcing confidence.
I am forcing myself to be the same sort of happy
I was yesterday.
I am forcing myself to love
This sad song.

I don't want to lose you.
I don't want to feel this pain.
Yet today I will fight with the energy of yesterday;
I will be okay with not knowing.
I will be okay with not having control.
I will wait.

This is a tangled knot of uncertainties
Binding my every limb.
I won't speak plainly,
I don't know if I can.
But I will wait.

I am no longer certain of the outcome.
I am no longer sure of my next step,
I cannot trust those I once had faith in.
His plan is unclear to me,
But His promises are laid out before me
Like a map I can't read;
I will try.
I will wait on His timing.

I am swallowing this lump in my throat.
I am forcing myself to be okay.

I am telling you a secret:
I am forcing myself to wait for you,
Only you.