forty one

This is not applause for my sadness,

These words about broken downs cars

And cancer-soaked houses and the way

Things used to be before the earth turned.

This is simply the fact of life:

That mom is sick and she’s not getting well,

I guess Dad is stressed and he won’t admit it,

My best friend is dating and I feel alone sometimes.

And sometimes, the world turns faster when I glance behind me

Than when I keep my eyes on the road.

Does it make sense to you?

Does it baffle your being so as to upset your stomach?

I guess that mine is weak.

I would like to explain to you why I write,

As this is not meaningless rambling

And not consolation for my sins, because

It only ever does half the job.

I write because my life depends on it.

The pain intertwined in my shoelaces

Is perpetually too much,

And I hear beautiful things

Just to feel compelled to create,

And though better is a concept I haven’t quite grasped,

Maybe halfway better will suffice as good enough

For a split second.

The earth freezes under ink, haven’t you heard?

It seems that mom has frozen too.

It seems that dad has frozen too.

Now what’s left but applause for the things they will miss?

I promise I’ll miss them more.

forty

if this is a new beginning
it is all too anti-climatic

and everything feels the same
even though it isn't

thirty nine

I feel like a foreigner,
Not quite strange,
Nor familiar,
I sit alone and uncared for
It's better this way,
But still I wait
For something to happen
Aside from the rain

thirty eight

"Well I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I built my life around you"

(Fleetwood Mac)

thirty seven

How is it
That I am most at peace
When I am unnoticed?

How is it
That I am most in pain
When I should be
Okay?

How is it
That I am both happy
And in grief?
How is it that the sky today
Is both light and dark
Just like my head?

The pain is dull now,
I'm switching perspectives,
I am choosing to flip on the lights.
If I am so calm,
How is it that I am also panicking?

It is all such a contradiction.

Good thing I am unrecognized in at least this instant.

thirty six

These are words
For when words won't come.
I am forcing confidence.
I am forcing myself to be the same sort of happy
I was yesterday.
I am forcing myself to love
This sad song.

I don't want to lose you.
I don't want to feel this pain.
Yet today I will fight with the energy of yesterday;
I will be okay with not knowing.
I will be okay with not having control.
I will wait.

This is a tangled knot of uncertainties
Binding my every limb.
I won't speak plainly,
I don't know if I can.
But I will wait.

I am no longer certain of the outcome.
I am no longer sure of my next step,
I cannot trust those I once had faith in.
His plan is unclear to me,
But His promises are laid out before me
Like a map I can't read;
I will try.
I will wait on His timing.

I am swallowing this lump in my throat.
I am forcing myself to be okay.

I am telling you a secret:
I am forcing myself to wait for you,
Only you.

thirty five

The house is frigid like a hospital. Dad says that's the way Mom likes it; I know it's just that she has gotten used to the way Baylor chills your spine and paints goosebumps on your forearms.

I am shivering, but the blanket is too comfortable. I am sad, but sobbing means giving in to grief. I am tired perhaps, but sleep is impossible when my mind is ecstatic on hopelessness and my stomach growls with a void junk food can't fill.

I don't know what I am mourning anymore, I am simply thinking of you. I want you to be happy, I want your heart to be free from the burdens that your soul feeds. Is that miracle too much to ask for? Too late-- I already did.

(For the first time since February the pain feels like I am being stabbed in the gut. It won't go away, I trust my Savior but the ache remains lodged in my throat when I try to say certain things. I would stab myself to mimick it all, although I know it wouldn't make things better. Hah, I have already been killed.)

I was drawing another picture to add to my sketchy collection of art that i began this morning, and I was thinking of what "I'm sorry" looks like.

All that came to mind was you.

So I'm sorry.

thirty four

dear older brother,
this won't be the end
love is a hell on which your heart won't depend
maybe there's a hole in your universe
you don't yet understand
maybe there's a gap in your thinking
maybe there's a place that you miss
a time you can't return to,
in the midst of it all you are hugging a sister
who never knew she was feeling so alone,
until she came back home
and you're leaving again
the new stage is set
are you feeling like this is a set-up?
me too,
me too,
me too.

dear younger brother,
you're much older than me.
you say you don't know where to put
all the broken pieces of yourself,
let me set your mind at ease
with something you already know
deep inside.
there's power in prayer,
even though i don't prefer to believe it some days,
it's uncomfortable to feel it some days.
i looked up at the stars one night,
i laid in a field looking like a complete idiot,
i learned about surrender a week late,
i put the broken pieces of myself in the hands of someone better,
and i think that you'll be doing better than me
don't ever close your eyes when you're needing sleep.

thirty three

[things I'm thankful for]

[and people watching]

- the old people in mcdonalds at 6 am

- Jenny's kindness 

- the fact that no one is on the highway at five in the morning so I'm free to go however fast I want

- going to the store with my Dad

- pumpkin. 

- thinking about the holidays and getting all warm and fuzzy inside

- nana's hugs

- the McDonald's worker who is whistling whilst cooking breakfast right now

- Hope

Sidenote: *i think the man behind me has fallen asleep while eating breakfast. I can hear him snoring, and I'm dying. XD*

- Rion's emo kid goals (except he's like thirty years old)

Sidenote II: *this dude just walked in with a freaking NEWSPAPER RESPECT-- can I be him when I'm sixty omg*

- vans being the only acceptable shoe to wear for all occasions in life

- sunrises (though I'm always too grumpy to appreciate them)

- unexpected answered prayers 

- the peace at Grandma's house

Sidenote III: *and world record for world's shortest body builder goes to the dude who just walked into McDonald's! Congrats! Your muscle tissue is thicker than the incredible amount of butter I am slathering on my pancakes!*

- getting up early at hotels with Grandaddy and killing time until the fam wakes up 

- DBP.....

- Kaitlyn's glorious hair 

- going to Kroger with Maddie and ranting about how stupid people can be

- Maddie being my favorite person to talk to especially when there's an errand to run and a secret to keep

- going to the sketchy dollar movie with my sisters just cuz we can

- all those times I used to go to the homeschool book fair with my mom and walk around for hours on end discussing which new books to buy for school, and trying to find her friends when there was no cell service, and people watching with kassidy

- Northpark mall at christmas-time

thirty two

I am backed into a corner,
I am forced to listen to lectures
From people I trust
Who trust I am doing the wrong thing,
I am forced to set aside the realities
I was sure of deep inside
And substitute a thought
Inconsistent with the way I'm wired.
I guess, something that goes against every fiber of my being
Must be the right thing, right?
Perhaps not always.
I'm already driving on the opposite side of the street,
I am already sacrificing passion for the sake of honor,
And yet I am backed into a corner,
To be told I'm just a runaway who needs to confront
The loss of hope everyone so skillfully clings to.
Who am I to listen to anymore?
Surely not someone so biased as yourself.
Surely not someone so messed up as myself.

I think that what I need is a clear head,
I don't care what you think of me anymore.
Maybe I'm the slut you seem to believe I am,
Maybe I'm the insolent rebel you label me as,
Although I prefer the term free spirit.
Someday these scars will only serve as reminders,
Not as blisters that keep breaking open when I twist my hand a certain way,
Now excuse me while I walk away
From all the hurtful things you prefer to say--

thirty one

"failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged, missing me one place search another, i stop somewhere waiting for you"

~ walt whitman

thirty

I am plagued with a case

Of perpetually broken lungs,

Even here I feel stifled by unknowns

And the sad beauty of the trees

And a song I don't know yet. 

The sky contradicts your eyes

As I'm pleading for vacant chances,

But the spaces are full,

The spaces are full;

Can't it be enough to stand away

Though the future is tomorrow but theirs is today? 

twenty nine

I will never wash off the paint on my shoes,

The dirt that coats my sun dried fingers

Fades with every tap of my thumb onto the screen,

And I am ashamed that the lonliness inside of me

Manifests itself in tears rather than 

Burying itself in the beauty of a life I have yet to live. 

I am on the edge of a cliff and He is beckoning me to jump,

My heart is beating too slowly and too fast,

Because I am scared of all the things I need desperately

And torn from the ones I love,

But on the brink of insanity little infinities

Make the blisters seem less painful

And more likely to scar. 

My older brother must know this feeling,

Except he is better than me at masking

The hurt underneath. 

Even through the wounds he wraps his arms around me in protection

And laughs with a confidence that he isn't finished yet. 

Something finished this week,

It stirs up the dust in my stomach

From my tainted water. 

Something also began. 

I saw my younger brother cry for the first time,

I tried to bandage a bullet I couldn't explain,

Maybe it will heal even despite the monotony we return to. 

My brother at home has been thrust into change

My sister's voice mimicked my mental vision of her face

And I'm finding myself missing an odd sort of blood-stained home I never thought I would. 

Maybe with the fresh discrepancies in my mind,

Maybe He will give me clarity. 

I am a lost soul wandering amid many and yet all alone,

I don't know where I feel safe these days,

I can't run away,

I can't run away,

And I would wash off the paint, but I fear my heart's stained 

twenty eight

"I was blessed with bad eyes"