ninety seven

I want to rip all my skin off,
It bothers me as much as my sister's breathing
Across the room
And my nana's talking to me incessantly
I hate the way my mouth feels
After I ate breakfast,
And I can't focus on my math when it's hard like this,
Because I want to rip all my skin off,
And I can't stop the way my head's spinning
With thoughts of madness and washing the car later
And writing music when I finish this
Folding my clothes when I finish that
So I'm laying in my bed now
Putting it all off
Because I can't stand anything but sleep
Or laying as still as I can manage
My face feels dry, and I know it's not,
And I want to wash the car again.
All of it's moving too fast
Moving too fast
Moving too fast
Moving
Too
Fast

ninety six

sometimes
i miss the lasagna you made
i miss telling you
my thoughts
i miss your laughter and your energy
lighting up the room
kate told me, i'll see you in eternity
and that gave me hope
but it hurts right now,
it hurts.

he glanced at me from across the room
and liked my shirt,
that was nice.
and aubrey made sure i was okay,
he knows.
rebekah had my back
and i am forever in izzy's debt
for all the hope he gives me
and all the words he says to me
the love in his eyes,
an older brother i never had,
but i do now.
i'm thankful for those things tonight,
12-count blessings through tears

but the room is too big
and my breaths are too small
to reconcile it all,
mom

ninety five

Tonight
Is one of those nights
When I wish you would talk to me
Just like
We used to
Just like
We once did
You din't know I'm sad
But I know you hurt bad
Because the weight of my soul
Somehow carries yours
Yet the silence pertains
To this time of day
And the look on your face
More than you know.
I want to tell you I miss you
In just a friendly way now
Because I thought I had you,
Now I only have space
I thought I had you,
I'm giving you grace
But you're taking and taking
While I'm breaking and breaking
Convincing myself
I can fight.

I know I can fight,
But you were part of that once.

You think
That you're taking the hard way this time--
You're damn wrong.
Silence is easy for you to justify in your head
And talking is hard.
Dying is hard.
Giving yourself license to be there is hard.
Putting your feelings on the back burner and being a friend is hard.
Selflessness is hard.

Maybe you will sort this out someday
While I'm struggling to find myself alone

I love you, don't I?
It's not easy sometimes.

ninety four - this is not a song prompt.

this is not a song prompt. simply a few songs that have changed the way i think. they are really important to me and got me through something, so. give them a listen if it's your cup of tea.

my favorite paramore song is All I Wanted. it's my shut up and sing kinda anthem.

my favorite worship song is A Prayer by King's Kaleidoscope. it's raw, it's desperate, and it's real worship. it taught me that our prayers don't have to be clean cut and perfect, and we can feel God even when we're hitting rock bottom. He meets us where we're at.

three songs continually make me cry. a hit the floor kinda cry. but yet they are three of the most continually beautiful songs i know. Fix You by Coldplay. Faithfully by Journey. What Sarah Said  by Death Cab for Cutie. my all-time favorite song lyric comes from what sarah said: "it stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds."

my favorite song of all time is Piano Man by Billy Joel. "they're sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it's better than drinking alone."

one of my most favorite songs not only changed the way i think, but it also reminds me of a person who changed the way i think, Nick. Last Leaf by OK Go. "and if it takes forever, forever it'll be."

Heaven Forbid by The Fray is a bitterly beautiful song that reminds me of Emily and conversations we've had on her couch when i come over randomly.

Rebekah, my dear sister. she played this song on the summer service trip, and i like it so much better when she plays it. it taught me a lesson i'll never forget and never fails to give me hope. Glory by Radical Face.

You Be The Anchor That Keeps My Feet On The Ground, I'll Be The Wings That Keep Your Heart In The Clouds by Mayday Parade. if i'm right, this is joseph's favorite mayday parade song that he told me to listen to at one point. :)

Airplanes by Local Natives. this one represents a memory. Izzy showed up in my front yard and told me to listen to this band. who knew they would change my life and i would almost get trampled at their concert. this was the second song i listened to.

for my beautiful sister Emalie i have Carry On Wayward Son by Kansas. we listen to that when we escape everything at home and go on drives together. one line: "and if i claim to be a wise man, it surely means that i don't know."

my favorite song to play is Song for Someone by U2. i heard it by accident and i still don't prefer to listen to it, but the lyrics get me every time. i feel it in my soul. that's why i play it on guitar when i get anxiety at big parties. it's a shot in the dark kinda anthem.

my favorite band of all time is Coldplay. my favorite song of theirs is Ghost Story. 

Trees by twenty one pilots reminds me of ethan grey. he's one of my favorite people.

The Hardest Part by Coldplay is definitely my second favorite song of theirs. it pulled me out of a crazy fucking hard time.

ninety three

everything hurts less like a stab wound and more like a stroke
i feel the aftershocks of a disaster i've already survived
and yet
it still hurts like the first day
somewhere buried underneath the calluses on my fingers from playing guitar and letting go of lyrics i might not sing again for weeks
there are songs i sang twice and haven't since
and
there are ones still a part of me.
for now i am letting things be
in the hopes that
my leap of faith won't have to be one that requires a porch
or a tree
or a glancing up at the empty sky hoping for stars
i pray that He won't give me a message that involves
reluctant tears
bittersweet
and something i can't put into words
for once, couldn't someone else take the first step so i won't be haunted by the street signs along the way?
step one
find a porch
step two
break me if you have to
step three
hug me if you have to
but a warning:

don't leave me to suppose you're thinking something you're not
or going somewhere you aren't

please

ninety two

THINGS THAT MADE MY HEART SMILE IN 2017.

The First Thing: A Car, A Torch, A Death.

The Second: A balloon and a leather jacket.

The Third: Waking up on the couch to kitchen sounds that I miss and talking to Mrs. Prda.

The Fourth: A CVS run.

The Fifth: An escape to La Madeline with my favorite person.

The Sixth: A promise in the form of a closed vintage shop. Bad eyes and an americano.

The Seventh: "Reserved for Baylie Vike and her sardines." My safe place.

The Eighth: The Machine and praying over coins.

The Ninth: The front music room at Joseph's house.

The Tenth: Memory boxes and old journals with Emily, with a special shoutout to the journal of death and that two page spread of glorious cuteness in Emily's journal.

The Eleventh: izzy being unreliable.

The Twelvth: Grapefruit.

The Thirteenth: A borrowing porch, "Not Today", and worship.

The Fourteeth: He makes all things new.

ninety one

God, today one of my best friends ever is coming in from California with her mom to see my mom.

Today the sun is yet again shining and the weather feels like last spring (which I don't want to look back on, I did enough of that yesterday).

I like the yellow hay that has become our front yard.

I like the small dead tree that Grandma Mary paid for.

I like this song I'm listening to from a time when I felt free.

Those You set free are free indeed, Jesus. Confirm that today. Working through yesterday has left me exhausted. Thank you for this fresh day.

I can't differentiate poem and prayer anymore.

ninety

TELL ME IT MEANS SOMETHING. SHOW ME ANOTHER REASON TO KEEP GOING. KEEP STAYING. KEEP DYING. GOD, I KNOW YOU ANSWER MY CRIES AND I SEE YOUR HAND IN EVERYTHING. I SEE YOUR FAITHFULNESS IN EVERYONE. HOW IS IT THAT I NEED MORE PROOF? I HEAR YOU SAY "NOT TODAY" AND I CAN'T HANDLE IT, OR AT LEAST THAT'S HOW IT FEELS. I SIT ON A BORROWED PORCH AT YOUR HOUSE, JESUS, AND I PRAY ALOUD BECAUSE IT HURTS, AND I PRAISE YOU BECAUSE IT'S ALL I CAN DO IN THIS BROKENESS, BUT I WANT MY HEART TO BE RIGHT. I KNOW I MUST BE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT BECAUSE IZZY TELLS ME TO NOTICE THE VICTORIES. I KNOW I MUST BE ON THE RIGHT TRACK BECAUSE CERTAIN PEOPLE HURT TO TRY TO TALK TO. I KNOW YOU ARE FAITHFUL IN MY LIFE BECAUSE I JUST GOT A TEXT FROM AN ANSWERED PRAYER.

BUT GOD, HERE I AM, BEGGING FOR ANOTHER SIGN JUST LIKE THE DISCIPLES. I AM SHOUTING, JESUS, I'M BEGGING, MY JESUS, NOT OUT OF ANGER OR DISBELIEF BUT OUT OF AGONY.

WHY IS IT ALL TAKING SO LONG? WHY AM I SLOWLY PASSING AWAY RIGHT ALONG WITH HER?

Your word says that the angels rejoice whenever someone believes in You. I can't help but wonder if they sing your praises when someone comes home as well. I want to believe that death is a beautiful thing, but I'm watching it's ugliness daily. And I'm a coward, God, I run away. I physically run away from my dying mom. I miss her so much, God, I have dreams about her. Lord, my dad has a voicemail from last year that he listens to. It's from her.

I see her everywhere, I feel her in every song I sing and in every atmosphere I breathe.

And yet my dad's favorite hymn echoes in my head, You sew it on my brain, Jesus.

Great is thy faithfulness
Oh God my father
There is no shadow of turning with thee
Thou changest not
Thy compassions they fail not
As thou hast been, thy forever wilt be.

Great is thy faithfulness,
Great is thy faithfulness
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
ALL I have needed thy hand hath provided.
Great is they faithfulness, Lord unto me.

Pardon for sin
And a peace that endureth
Thine own dear prescence to cheer and to guide,
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorroq,
Blessings all mine with ten thousand beside.

Great is thy faithfulness
Great is thy faithfulness
Morning by morning new mercies I see
ALL I have needed they hand hath provided,
Great is thy faithfulness,
Lord unto me.

eighty nine

I started this blog because I needed a change
A new sort of therapy opposed to drowning--
Noticing.
Tonight I notice something in your head.
I notice I cry because my body knows I'm scared when my mind doesn't.
I notice new people.
I notice a beautiful voice.
I notice happy in my head and depression in my stomach.
I put the hot cocoa in the car and grab a coat to protect me from what my brain is piecing together.
Those words I read are true even tonight,
But I notice it is harder to find hope.
Again, my expectations invade. Can I let anything be?
Here's my train of thought, hop on.
You won't like where it's going.
Maybe that's why you didn't talk much, maybe that's why I laughed it all off and tried to be giddy.

But Jonathan showed up. He got saved at Switch, he was in my car, our little family. He came back just now, tonight. He reminds me of things I learned that week and what went through my head. He reminds me of the song "Man of Sorrows".

We sang that tonight. "Whom the Son sets free, He is free indeed." That's true. Yet I did not feel free today.

Thug Waffle is leaving. He was at switch. In our car. He was passionate, he was real. He reminds me of lifting my hands. He reminds me of laughing without fear of the future.

Grace hugged me tonight. I don't know why. There were tears in her eyes and I don't know why. I saw love and I don't know why.

Emily took pictures.

Izzy shouted because it meant something to him. I swear I lose it every time he uses the phrase "murdered savior" and looks at the cross.

I am sad today. I told myself it would be okay, but I can't force myself to comply. OKAY DOESN'T HAVE TO MEAN PERFECT.

But that's what I was expecting, wasn't it?