You're my default mode
I think of you when I'm not even trying to.
Maybe it shouldn't be that way.
Maybe the color of your eyes or
The look on your face that night
Or whatever is on your mind
Shouldn't occur to me as miracles,
But they do.
And while I am supposed to be paying attention in this large room right now,
I'm drifting in and out of focus
Like a shaky camera lens,
I miss you for reasons I cannot pinpoint,
The mental pictures I took don't suffice
For five days awat from seeinf you that night,
And my default mode is being sad
So I'm sorry if envisioning you hurts kind of bad
I won't address the fears forming
In the alphabet soup of my brain,
Because the longer I stare at the floor,
The more it starts to resemble the bumps on the ceiling,
But I can't quite forget the feeling of your gaze
So that's difficult too.
I used to think missing someone was having the emptiness inside where they should be;
Today I realize it is also having too many full memories of someone to haunt you late at night or in the morning.
One last thing--
Your ghost smells like chlorine and stares at me when I pretend not to see.
You see?
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