fifty one

Things aren't like they used to be.
I thought in that moment,
Maybe things will be like that again,
Maybe I won't feel that same ache again,
Because amid the laughter, I didn't.
But there is always disappointment
Snuggled up against me in the restaurant booth,
There is always that one picture of her
Taped to a nearby wall,
There is always a question he doesn't ask
And a tear I fail to cry.
I won't ever be as close to them as I was,
As much as I'd like that to change.

Some things still
Never stop
Making me sad.
There are still
Songs
I can't listen to
Without breaking.
Part of me
Wants to stop living
Like she's already died,
Part of me
Wants to stop breathing
Like love is a stupid lie,
But I have an organ that beats
When it still shouldn't be
Part of me
Is hospitalized right now,
I'm sorry I can't fix
The way I play with my ring
And my other nervous ticks
The way I write
Is painful for me
Because some of these notes
I should not be playing,
She told me it shouldn't happen,
That she would like to take my place,
But it should be
That certain things
Won't cease to make me break
For it's still hard to sing
He's perfect in all His ways

I'm holding up my half empty glass--
A toast--
Until it's easy.