seventy four

I'm not sure anymore
Whether I'm okay
Or I've just gotten used to the way
Drowning feels.
The agony of her suffering
Never fails to make me sad,
I haven't prayed in a while,
Because I don't know how to pray for her.
I don't know if it will change much.
It's not lack of faith,
I only wonder if His plan is different than mine.
I miss her even more as Christmas comes around, a Christmas that will be more painful than the last.
It's getting easier for me to focus on the blessings,
But nothing changes the fact that she is dying,
Some days faster than others,
And no amount of blessings can shift my focus
When I have to see her daily struggling to stay alive.

When will it come?
Will I be with her or away?
Will Ben have to see?
Will it tear my dad apart?
Will Nana be by my side?

If I stop asking questions, I stop preparing myself.
I don't trust myself to be okay anymore,
I don't trust myself to be strong anymore.