twelve

it is time for a change
my brain is tired
of hosting the rage
my heart is exhausted
from numbing the pain,
i can't do this anymore
i can't do this anymore
i told myself,
i won't take this anymore
i won't take this anymore,
i told myself.
but pain is in the way she clambers around the house,
hurt is laced in the face i see tangled in the mirror every day,
hard is waking up in the morning,
fear is going to sleep,
i keep myself up so the demons won't get in
and i'm tired of watching useless movies at three am
i couldn't see God,
so He showed up;
but the tears are still real
there is still healing i seek
this house is aching for it,
this street is longing for it
this city is dying for it.
for some reason i find myself unable to keep it together when something wrecks me
i'm connecting to everything, i feel things so deeply
and i guess the medicine is supposed to numb the up-down-up-down-up-down
but i always wonder if it's hormones or heartache or i'm bipolar
and i believe in God's power but where's His power in me
because as much as i experience Him, i don't have faith in His healing
and i need it like i need water, my breath is failing me,
i gasp for His presence, my watered-down soul thirsts for his sustenance
and i'm not going to sugarcoat it anymore
i'm sick of painting over the pain to make it seem pretty and cutting down my God sculpture to fit all my issues and my pride,
i want to give Him my all, because i've got nothing to lose
my world is a wreck and it's better that way
it is time for a change,
my brain is tired.
i don't care who sees anymore, i want to learn to see God through all of the hurt i am feeling,
i want to learn to let Him heal the bitterness and the sadness inside me,
i want to love genuinely, i want to be kind,
and yes, i may be experiencing a bit of self-hatred and i may be a bit depressed
my brain is fogged and tired and my heart is loopy with the ache i can't pinpoint,
i am as broken as broken can get, and i'm falling and i'm fighting,
but maybe, maybe
He isn't through with me yet