nine

I can't talk with you anymore

Without fighting back tears

Has it really almost been a year?

I miss you, I miss you.

Is healing possible,

Like they all like to say?

At least Izzy gets it,

At least he asks if we're okay.

I'm missing Madison

And I never got along with her

Until now,

But I need to be there for her

Because she's growing up,

And I don't want her to end up

Where I was. 

I remember living at Nana's,

Being bitter and sad,

Listening to Death Cab for Cutie

Because that one song

Was the only one I could relate to,

I remember not wanting to watch you die,

I remember the kindness of strangers

And eating my feelings away

In the hospital cafeteria. 

And now we're going to go on vacation,

And I'm determined to have fun

But I know it won't be the same 

Like I want it to,

Nothing will. 

Because you aren't the same anymore

And you are a gap I can't fill,

You have a hurt I can't heal,

You can't walk anymore,

You can't pour cereal,

And I'm stumbling away broken

Because I can hear you coming

From miles away,

I can feel the weight of it wherever I go,

And home isn't home anymore,

I don't know where I can go

To rid myself of the feeling

That there isn't any hope