nineteen

When will the wind blow slower

So i won't get swept away?

Tell me why I'm not tired at two in the morning,

Tell me why I feel so free yet so entangled in love;

eighteen

dig up the graffiti of your soul,
unleash the ugly kept hidden all this time
sometimes I want to see everything the way you see it,
I want to put your point of view in a gallery
rather than let it rot on the side of a train,
for we are wanderers,
but not quite lost;

seventeen.

his guitar string breaks,
he keeps playing.
she does not want to leave,
i do not want to sleep,
but somehow we both do.
she sees so clearly some things
and yet falls into traps,
she has grace, lacks wisdom,
but often that comes with years.
she feels but cannot find,
such is the fate of a few.
his heart is at home, but he has been lost,
or maybe it's the other way around.
maybe we are all brain-dead in the sense that
we are so sure of ourselves yet all at once falling to pieces.
we paint our stories in black,
maybe they are color.
i can be so confident,
but my mind undecided.
spin me around in circles, dizzy my thought process,
maybe my priorities will level out again.
he speaks, and everyone listens
except for himself.
he does not know his worth,
they are the same in that sense.
i must numb one part of myself,
i must create bittersweet,
i must live a contradiction,
i must keep playing.

and you are impossible for me to reach;
some things are alright to be.

sixteen

across the world
along my veins
you leave traces
in the daily,
memories in the
sounds

while you're gone
i'll find my way
just promise me
you'll find yours

fifteen

I want to go away now,

Unrecognized

Slip into the background

Blend in with the wallpaper of a city

I want to escape now,

Completely

Forever forget the things that I've seen

People I've touched,

I would tell you you're losing me,

But that's a bit too much

So I'll wait a while longer,

Drifting,

Drifting,

Drifting,

Sifting through the files of memories trying to piece together what went wrong,

I am knit from the ink of tragedies,

I am consumed by the prospect of anything 

fourteen

You can't get it back 

Once you give it away

To adorable boys

And rainy days

I wish I had spare time

I wish I could change

All the hours I cried

The hurts that I faced;

I am not as pretty

As he told me I was

Because I wasted my good heart

On bad times,

And some of the songs

I can't listen to now

Because all I can think of is--

thirteen

Someday I will figure out why

My brain plays tricks on my eyes

twelve

it is time for a change
my brain is tired
of hosting the rage
my heart is exhausted
from numbing the pain,
i can't do this anymore
i can't do this anymore
i told myself,
i won't take this anymore
i won't take this anymore,
i told myself.
but pain is in the way she clambers around the house,
hurt is laced in the face i see tangled in the mirror every day,
hard is waking up in the morning,
fear is going to sleep,
i keep myself up so the demons won't get in
and i'm tired of watching useless movies at three am
i couldn't see God,
so He showed up;
but the tears are still real
there is still healing i seek
this house is aching for it,
this street is longing for it
this city is dying for it.
for some reason i find myself unable to keep it together when something wrecks me
i'm connecting to everything, i feel things so deeply
and i guess the medicine is supposed to numb the up-down-up-down-up-down
but i always wonder if it's hormones or heartache or i'm bipolar
and i believe in God's power but where's His power in me
because as much as i experience Him, i don't have faith in His healing
and i need it like i need water, my breath is failing me,
i gasp for His presence, my watered-down soul thirsts for his sustenance
and i'm not going to sugarcoat it anymore
i'm sick of painting over the pain to make it seem pretty and cutting down my God sculpture to fit all my issues and my pride,
i want to give Him my all, because i've got nothing to lose
my world is a wreck and it's better that way
it is time for a change,
my brain is tired.
i don't care who sees anymore, i want to learn to see God through all of the hurt i am feeling,
i want to learn to let Him heal the bitterness and the sadness inside me,
i want to love genuinely, i want to be kind,
and yes, i may be experiencing a bit of self-hatred and i may be a bit depressed
my brain is fogged and tired and my heart is loopy with the ache i can't pinpoint,
i am as broken as broken can get, and i'm falling and i'm fighting,
but maybe, maybe
He isn't through with me yet

eleven

i'm falling apart

my plans and my hands

can't grasp the point

but there's a mission

on my bedside table,

there's a freedom in my soul,

i'm falling apart,

i have a feeling He knows

ten

You took some steroids

That almost ended your life

He held you away from

The end of the knife

You screamed from the pain

He inaudible cried

I remember one of the nights you almost died

I sat with Ben harboring watery eyes

Something wasn't quite alright

nine

I can't talk with you anymore

Without fighting back tears

Has it really almost been a year?

I miss you, I miss you.

Is healing possible,

Like they all like to say?

At least Izzy gets it,

At least he asks if we're okay.

I'm missing Madison

And I never got along with her

Until now,

But I need to be there for her

Because she's growing up,

And I don't want her to end up

Where I was. 

I remember living at Nana's,

Being bitter and sad,

Listening to Death Cab for Cutie

Because that one song

Was the only one I could relate to,

I remember not wanting to watch you die,

I remember the kindness of strangers

And eating my feelings away

In the hospital cafeteria. 

And now we're going to go on vacation,

And I'm determined to have fun

But I know it won't be the same 

Like I want it to,

Nothing will. 

Because you aren't the same anymore

And you are a gap I can't fill,

You have a hurt I can't heal,

You can't walk anymore,

You can't pour cereal,

And I'm stumbling away broken

Because I can hear you coming

From miles away,

I can feel the weight of it wherever I go,

And home isn't home anymore,

I don't know where I can go

To rid myself of the feeling

That there isn't any hope

eight

I'm scared to go to sleep at night,

Get a full eight hours,

Stare at the ceiling,

I don't want to let my thoughts get the best of me

This is where I want to be;

But my shaking voice doesn't sound convincing

Teach me to believe,

It gets harder and easier. 

seven

I would like to say thank you

For these four days,

I still don't know what to think,

They still taste bittersweet,

But there's a song in my heart

That won't go away. 

six

I listen to the sound of my breathing

And think of what will help the ache

Deep inside. 

Maybe since I've gotten in the habit

Of telling myself I'm happy

And pushing love away,

I can fold the pain into something useful

Deep inside. 

five

"there's no comfort in the waiting room

just nervous pacers bracing for bad news

then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads

and I'm thinking of what Sarah said,

love is watching someone die,"

four

she told me i was searching for love,
i told her i felt so lost.
she told me He gave me a guardrail,
i knew she was right.
all the pain will fade with light,
i'm looking up for once in my life
i want to be better, make me okay
because i can't listen to love songs
i don't want my hope to fade
the tragedy of everything must go away

"you'll never find the answers till you set your old heart free"

three

I drift steadily, almost peacefully

Down the street

Too fast to take notice, too slow to ignore

The pain

Stumble-trip, stumble-trip, stumble-trip

two

I try to forget, but

It is hanging above my head,

It is pouring through my headphones.

I try to remember, but

All my sanity lies in an instance it didn't touch,

A graffiti park in Austin, 

Walking the stairs of a hotel,

Lemon water slipping down my throat,

one

it is good to go unnoticed--
i am a fly on the wall,
a wide-eyed child,
one of the crowd,
a scream at a concert,
i am nothing; i feel everything.
no one knows me here,
they do not see the sorrows that
i hide under my beanie,
they do not know the treasure
of dark coffee to tired soul.
or perhaps they do.
perhaps that is why they play this unknown song overhead,
perhaps that is why he woke up a goofball,
perhaps that is why that is painted on the wall,
they know the bittersweet of
sunny morning and dark roast.
i wrote a song two days ago
that may have been prophecy,
little did i know i would
tell my own story.
girl walks into coffee shop,
she aches for her love and she's not done yet:
tell her to drink black coffee
it makes her feel tough, i bet.