one hundred and nine

gulf shores.
i don't know how i'll go to the beach again,
at least on that side of the country,
because i'll remember passing through that tunnel
under the ocean
listening to sun hands and screaming the lyrics in my head
because my mom was in the other car dying
going, going,
gone
and we took family pictures after me and stephanie watched cops
we all wore superhero shirts like everything was okay
and screw my feelings, it was okay, it was perfect, it was wonderful,
and now it's all gone in a flash of light and shortness of breath,
and i'm trying to catch myself in an a day to remember song
because aubrey says to cling to that and God,
even though sometimes i feel so alone

messiah's ranch.
thank goodness i won't go back again, because i loved it too much
and i loved those people too much,
last year
when it all broke down
and rebekah told me about open hands,
i thought i was going to die
because my mom was back home passing away
and i loved nick and things weren't looking up,
i was at my worst when she sat on the side of the lake and sang about bad eyes,
i realized i needed God most of all
and i didn't care what people thought about me.
alex hugged me during mafia
when i couldn't hold it together,
i sat there crying and looking up at the stars through the tree branches
thinking about my dad and how i missed the people who really cared,
and two of them were playing mafia,
one of them noticed,
and the rest were far away

i hope that maybe these places will go down in history as the best places on earth.
i hope that maybe my kids will grow up and i can take them to gulf shores
or messiah's ranch,
teach them about open hands and bad eyes
and i'll bring out my old guitar with the songs that i wrote
tell them how good God is to me
that i knew such glory as white beaches and a mom who braved everything for my family
and i had the chance to give myself up for something better
that even when it hurt, in the end,

i remember alex and rebekah
i remember my two best friends emily and joseph
i remember watching cops with my cousin
i remember the waves crashing into the shore
constant, constant, constant
i remember when things were hopelessly beautiful